That Stupid Part Of My Brain

Part of being an actor is sometimes not knowing what they thought of you in the room, or why they never got back to you. While intellectually we know there are a million variables and only about four of them are under our control (be prepared, make strong decisions, be on time, and be a nice person come to mind), eventually it does affect you on a subconscious or emotional level. This is where the classic actor insecurities come from. We all have them, at least every actor I’ve met has them. They do manifest in different ways for different people though. For me, it’s this stupid part of my brain that keeps telling me my career is over.

For example, last week was awesome for my career, and my general outlook. On Wednesday my episode of “Broad City” aired, and I got such an awesome reaction to it on my social media. The same evening, my short film “Cleaning Up” screened at the NY SAG-AFTRA Short Film Showcase to fantastic laughter, and great comments and networking ops afterward. Friday I made a self-tape audition for a day-player role in feature film with some big names attached to it. So a really good week. Tuesday, the day before my scene aired, the highlight of the day was taking my sister’s dog to the groomers. So naturally, that stupid part of my brain pipes up to tell me how much of a wash-up I am. The conversation in my head went something like this:

TSPOMB: Uh, dude, you know your acting career is over right? Dog-sitting isn’t acting.
Me: What are you talking about? My Broad City scene airs tomorrow night.
TSPOMB: Yeah, but right now you are driving around with a dog. Case closed. Game over.
Me: Are you high? I’m about to have one of the best days of my career so far tomorrow, and you are telling me to give up? The “Difficult People” episode I shot will be out in a few months too. Things are staring to happen!
TSPOMB: Listen, I’m just saying what we are both thinking.
Me: Shut. The F@$k. Up.

Funny thing, on days where I’m working, or auditioning, or even when I get good news, that part doesn’t seem to be around. Only when I am not overtly and directly moving my career forward, even for one day, that voice starts trying to convince me that it’s all done. Fortunately, the voice is not very logical, so it’s not really good at making a case, so even on days when it is practically yelling I’m able to refute it well enough.

I know who I am, and I know where I want to be, and I am getting it done. So, shut up, That Stupid Part Of My Brain, and let me work!